How To Love

Eine Sammlung sehr kurzer Weisheiten eines buddhistischen Mönches zum Thema Liebe. Der Autor hat noch grob ein Dutzend weitere Bücher dieser Art, zu anderen Themen. Freue mich darauf, einige von denen zu lesen.

If you pour a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable. But if you pour the salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash, and drink. The river is immense, and it has the capacity to receive, embrace, and transform. When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can’t accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform. So the big question is: how do we help our hearts to grow? — location: 36 ^ref-27051

Understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love. — location: 47 ^ref-11441

There’s a tradition in Asia of treating your partner with the respect you would accord a guest. This is true even if you have been with your loved one for a long time. The other person always deserves your full respect. Reverence is the nature of our love. — location: 53 ^ref-37017

When you love someone, you have to have trust and confidence. Love without trust is not yet love. Of course, first you have to have trust, respect, and confidence in yourself. Trust that you have a good and compassionate nature. You are part of the universe; you are made of stars. When you look at your loved one, you see that he is also made of stars and carries eternity inside. Looking in this way, we naturally feel reverence. True love cannot be without trust and respect for oneself and for the other person. — location: 90 ^ref-46084

Sexual desire is not love. Sexual activity without love is called empty sex. If you satisfy your body but don’t satisfy your heart and your mind, are you satisfied? Do you feel whole and connected? When your body, heart, and mind are satisfied, sexual intimacy connects you more deeply with yourself and your partner. — location: 137 ^ref-35782

The roots of a lasting relationship are mindfulness, deep listening and loving speech, and a strong community to support you. — location: 150 ^ref-17598

To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we have to understand them. To understand, we need to listen. That person may be our partner, our friend, our sibling, or our child. You can ask, “Dear one, do you think that I understand you enough? Please tell me your difficulties, your suffering, and your deepest wishes.” Then the other person has an opportunity to open their heart. — location: 159 ^ref-57269

Everyone knows that blaming and arguing never help; but we forget. Conscious breathing helps us develop the ability to stop at that crucial moment, to keep ourselves from saying or doing something we regret later. Practice conscious breathing when things are going well with your partner, then it will be there for you when things get hard. — location: 163 ^ref-16406

When your loved one is talking, practice listening deeply. Sometimes the other person will say something that surprises us, that is the opposite of the way we see things. Allow the other person to speak freely. Don’t cut your loved one off or criticize their words. When we listen deeply with all our heart—for ten minutes, half an hour, or even an hour—we will begin to see the other person more deeply and understand them better. If they say something that’s incorrect, that’s based on a wrong perception, we can give them a little information later on to help them correct their thinking. But right now, we just listen. — location: 167 ^ref-49824

A true partner or friend is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking. — location: 181 ^ref-64097

If you have enough understanding and love, then every moment—whether it’s spent making breakfast, driving the car, watering the garden, or doing anything else in your day—can be a moment of joy. — location: 185 ^ref-50458

Learn to nourish yourself and the other person with joy. Are you able to make the other person smile? Are you able to increase her confidence and enthusiasm? If you’re not able to do these small things for her, how can you say you love her? Sometimes a kind word is enough to help someone blossom like a flower. — location: 188 ^ref-60648

“Love” is a beautiful word, and we have to restore its meaning. When we say, “I love hamburgers,” we spoil the word. We have to make the effort to heal words by using them properly and carefully. True love includes a sense of responsibility and accepting the other person as she is, with all her strengths and weaknesses. If you only like the best things in a person, that is not love. You have to accept her weaknesses and bring your patience, understanding, and energy to help her transform. This kind of love brings protection and safety. — location: 206 ^ref-51343

Sometimes we haven’t had the time to understand ourselves, yet we’ve already found the object of our love. When we realize that all our hopes and expectations of course can’t be fulfilled by that person, we continue to feel empty. You want to find something, but you don’t know what to search for. In everyone there’s a continuous desire and expectation; deep inside, you still expect something better to happen. That is why you check your email many times a day! — location: 248 ^ref-53295

Even if the person with whom you need to reconcile is very far away, you can still do the work of reconciliation now. What is important is to reconcile within your own heart and mind. If reconciliation is done within, that is enough. Because the effect of that reconciliation will be felt everywhere later on. Even if the person you want to reconcile with refuses to respond, or even if she’s already dead, reconciliation is still possible. — location: 269 ^ref-4878

To love is, first of all, to accept ourselves as we actually are. The first practice of love is to know oneself. The Pali word metta means “loving kindness.” When we practice [[Metta Meditation]], we see the conditions that have caused us to be the way we are; this makes it easy for us to accept ourselves, including our suffering and our happiness. — location: 282 ^ref-41249

Recherchieren

If we take good care of ourselves, we help everyone. We stop being a source of suffering to the world, and we become a reservoir of joy and freshness. — location: 294 ^ref-791

Your good intentions are not enough; you have to be artful. We may be filled with goodwill; we may be motivated by the desire to make the other person happy; but out of our clumsiness, we make them unhappy. Walking, eating, breathing, talking, and working are all opportunities to practice creating happiness inside you and around you. Mindful living is an art, and each of us has to train to be an artist. — location: 303 ^ref-32880

If we live in a place where people are angry and violent, then eventually we’ll become like them. If we live in a family or community where there’s a culture of being understanding and compassionate with each other, we’ll naturally be more peaceful and loving. Children growing up in such an environment will learn to be caring and kind. — location: 359 ^ref-13339

If you walk with true awareness of every step, without having a goal to get anywhere, happiness will arise naturally. You don’t need to look for happiness. When we’re in touch with the wonders of life, we become aware of the many conditions of happiness that are already there, and naturally we feel happy. The beauty around us brings us back to the present moment so we can let go of the planning and worries that preoccupy us. When you look at the person you love, if he is absorbed in anxiety, you can help him get out. “Darling, do you see the sun? Do you see the signs that spring is coming?” This is mindfulness; we become aware of what is happening now and we are in touch with the conditions of happiness that are there inside us and all around us. — location: 392 ^ref-55770

Ein [[Dankbarkeit]]stagebuch hilft dabei.

When we practice the art of mindful living, we water the positive elements in ourselves and each other. We see that the other person, like us, has both flowers and garbage inside, and we accept this. Our practice is to water the flower in our loved one, and not bring them more garbage. When we try to grow flowers, if they don’t grow well, we don’t blame them or argue with them. Our partner is a flower. If we take care of her well, she will grow beautifully. If we take care of her poorly, she will wither. To help a flower grow well, we must understand her nature. How much water and sunshine does she need? — location: 412 ^ref-58306

To love is not to possess the other person or to consume all their attention and love. To love is to offer the other person joy and a balm for their suffering. This capacity is what we have to learn to cultivate. — location: 427 ^ref-40269

Everything is impermanent. This moment passes. That person walks away. Happiness is still possible. — location: 434 ^ref-65121

[[Vergänglichkeit]]

Without the pressure of other elements, what you are now calling love may turn sour very soon. The support of friends and family weaves a kind of web that helps keep a relationship strong and long-lasting. The strength of your feelings is only one strand of that web. Supported by many elements, your relationship will be solid, like a tree. To be strong, a tree sends a number of roots deep into the soil. If a tree has only one root, it may be blown over by the wind. — location: 461 ^ref-56977

If our parents didn’t love and understand each other, how are we to know what love looks like? There aren’t courses or classes in love. If the grown-ups know how to take care of each other, then the children who grow up in this environment will naturally know how to love, understand, and bring happiness to others. The most precious inheritance that parents can give their children is their own happiness. Our parents may be able to leave us money, houses, and land, but they may not be happy people. If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all. — location: 478 ^ref-42545

The greatest gift we can make to others is our true presence. “I am here for you” is the first of the Six Mantras. When you are concentrated, mind and body together, you produce your true presence, and anything you say is a mantra, a sacred phrase that can transform the situation. It doesn’t have to be in Sanskrit or Tibetan; a mantra can be spoken in your own language. “Darling, I am here for you.” If you are truly present, this mantra will produce a miracle. You become real, the other person becomes real, and life is real in that moment. You bring happiness to yourself and to the other person. — location: 506 ^ref-704

The fifth mantra is, “This is a happy moment.” When you’re with the one you love, you can pronounce this mantra. It’s not autosuggestion or wishful thinking; it’s waking up to the conditions of happiness that are there. Maybe you’re not mindful enough, so you don’t recognize them. This mantra is to remind us that we’re very lucky; we have so many conditions of happiness, and if we don’t enjoy them, we’re not wise at all. So when you’re sitting together, walking together, eating, or doing something together, breathe in mindfully and realize how lucky you are. Mindfulness makes the present moment into a wonderful moment. — location: 528 ^ref-21770

In the practice of compassionate listening, you listen with only one purpose: to give the other person a chance to speak out and suffer less. Practice breathing in and out deeply and concentrate on what you are hearing. While the other person speaks, they may express bitterness, wrong perceptions, or make accusations. If you allow these things to touch off the anger in you, then you lose your capacity to listen deeply. Listening with mindfulness helps you to keep your compassion alive. It protects you, and your anger will not be triggered. Even fifteen minutes of listening like this can be very healing and can bring a lot of relief to another. You may be the first person who has ever listened to him or her like that. — location: 556 ^ref-914

Before hugging, stand facing each other as you follow your breathing and establish your true presence. Then open your arms and hug your loved one. During the first in-breath and out-breath, become aware that you and your beloved are both alive; with the second in-breath and out-breath, think of where you will both be three hundred years from now; and with the third in-breath and out-breath, be aware of how precious it is that you are both still alive. When you hug this way, the other person becomes real and alive. — location: 574 ^ref-49011